| Life's Subtles |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|12:10 pm] |
I hold back, a lot, even in here. There are times I want to be entirely honest, and say what I feel. I know I never will. Unless someone slips me some form of a truth drug. In which case, I probably won't be too truthful here, for lack of typing and an upheavle of talking. That's the norm, though. I write things, more than I type them. That, though, is just as dangerous, I realize. The only thing I would write about, is living with me. -Laughs.- And, honestly, it isn't a thing at all.
I feel a little strange today. But, that's nothing new either. Ben and I are working out alright. I have my days where I want nothing so bad as I want him to leave. I would pack his things, and throw them in the trunk if that meant he would be gone, instantly. Even when I feel that, though, I realize I would watching the tail-lights with a bit of regret tickling my throat. I would cry. I would want to scream out for him to come back, but I would do no such thing. Couldn't do that. Would not be able to yell past the lump of pride bocking my throat.
Other days, I only want him in my arms. I only want him close, and to feel that amazing sense of his flesh against mine. In those moments, I am most distant. I still don't feel like I deserve that. I still feel more a ... I feel like the friend you love, and share a life with but, that there are some intamacies that are not shared. And, let's be real, when has sex ever be the "intimate" I am talking about? Never.
Work is going well. I enjoy it. I have been there about two months now. So, I am pleased with where I am there.
We want to move. I hope we can save enough money to do so. I don't know though. Maybe. Maybe not.
Anyway... Life is moving on. Sometimes I feel a part of it. Sometimes I feel apart from it.
Gotta run. Barrowing Cookie's comp. and she's giving me that evil glare. Heh... She's gotten so big... So much older. Kinda funny. I know I am growing up, only when I look at the people who used to be younger than me. They are still younger, but they're so much older now. Amazing, to me. |
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| The Overall |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|12:18 pm] |
So.
My job at ChildHelp is actually going well. Or, at least, as far as I can tell it is going well. They continue to call me and ask if I want to fill in and take overtime. Which, I normally do. Yesterday I did not. Sorries!
I had just gotten back from Tenn. the day before, and did not feel like going in at all. We went to Tenn. because my Great Grandmother (Maw) passed away, and she had lots of things Ben and I can use. Which sounds really bad to say, but she would have been very happy to be able to help us. And, I love that the people in my family did not fight over her things, and were able to remember that Ben and I did need some things. Not everything. We did end up with a lot of new furniture, which was very nice. And, a bunch of nic-nacs.
Could not have been more perfect timing, however. Ben just got laid off, because Dad's business is slowing down. But, he still has two weeks of work, in Richmond, with a guy named Justin White. So, that's good. I am hoping he might also apply to ChildHelp. It would bring us in some very nice paychecks, and line our bank account with a nice cushion. But, whatever. So long as he gets a job that he likes enough to keep, ya know.
Layla is doing much better. I'm happy about that. Very much so.
And.. really.. seeing as I don't really have enough time to spazz out and go for long-winded status.. I have to end here.
Here. |
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| Day to Day to Month to Year to LIfe |
[May. 17th, 2009|02:56 pm] |
So I've been thinking about things that I shouldn't. Old questions that just don't die with the passing time. And, somehow, I wish that I could simply ZAP brain, and only the relevant stuff would be left over. Though, that makes me wonder if I would be the same person, and if such memories could really be erased. Otherwise, would the brain simply lock away the old memories in some closet? And, if so, is it.. well.. is it enough?
Anyway, I started working at Child Help, this past Thursday. And, by that, I mean.. I actually spent an evening in the house that I will be stationed in. It wasn't so bad, not that night. Though, I imagine, it will be worse. The girls were very well behaved.
Things at home. Well, things at home have been alright. Ben and I haven't really had any huge problems lately. Just simple, petty arguements. Things we get past, things we don't remember much of an hour later. Most of the time.
Money is very tight, but I am hoping things will get better, now that I am working again.
Can't really say much else. Life has been life. And, everything is.. well... everything is pleasant, for the most part.
Layla has been acting oddly, lately. But, I think she'll be okay. Hope so. Meh, should go.....
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| Hesitation |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|01:14 pm] |
For some reason... this reminds me of "us" . It makes me hurt, though I don't think I could ever truly forget. Never. That makes it seem unimportant, and every aspect of you has always been important. More so now, though, I can admit. She used the right words, so long ago..
"I'm here, and I'm real. You can hold me, kiss me, and yes.. you can hurt me. But I am real. And, somewhere, he is too. Probably so much more to you. I am here, and you can touch me."
But, now... you, too, are real. You, too, are here. More so than ever. Here.
( The Song Remembers When ) |
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| WTF did I do? |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|02:58 pm] |
We moved.
I am tried.
I took my meds last night.
I hate my job.
I never thought quitting would be MORE work.
I am tried.
I really want to go home.
I miss my boyfriend.
I miss lazing about.
I miss... having friends.
I miss being happy.
Ugh.. did I mention I am tired? |
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| Supposed to be... |
[Apr. 1st, 2009|04:43 pm] |
Supposed to be working. Supposed to be. Horrid how easy is for me to zone out, and not focus because my brain is so distracted on "at home" things. I really don't know why I'm distracted. Things should be good and, yet.. Somehow, things feel off. I don't know. Maybe.. I just..
Anyhow, life is changing. Ever changing. Wish I could grab ahold, and catch up.
Wishes in one hand, and....
Well... ya know what they say.
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| Counterpart |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|12:55 pm] |
Touch me here, and kiss me there.
We are lost in this torried love affair..
Of lust and blood, where both our veins bleed
Guilty is just as we are, and we are in deep.
Crying tears of purity, cleansing a reality too dark for
the yester of you and, yes, me.
Raining blood, pouring tears
Guess you could say I wanted these for years.
Soaking in the pinkest sea, I know now why the ocean is salty.
For sex, and love, they are the same thing
And, in this love made in blood, what is left but your
liquid confession of passion, and feeling.
Broken, though, I make no complaint.
Celibate, I know nothing of your truth, nothing of your love.
Masturbation saving me from the agrivation,
your attentions would leave me drowning in,
I scream the joy of self I have come to need.
Not a fantasy, or the woman from your wet dream
I fight the depression that haunts me, knowing
that as the picture fades, that woman's body is
forever captured in your mind, a wishful thinking I could never be.
A wishful thinking, you could never want me.
Bruised, soaked in stains from tears, I whimper in
need of your kiss, your embrace..
Hungry for any approval of me, I give you the last of me.
Human, no more..
Reduced to being sticky residue beneath the heel
of the very whore you stare at in wanton instinct.
"After, I am a man!", an excuse to strip her nude of
the strings, and hope, that keeps her 'clothed'..
A left over, and space filler... What you were stuck with.
Its the emotional cheater, the one who touches none
Covets, and keeps a woman a slave to his needs,
that kills the soul and the fire in a heart that could
never dream of being so lowly, and stricken by need.
Over.. Over... How can it ever be over?
Hungry for always, full and completely deprived of
the most basic of needs..
This body entrusted with fufilling every exigence.
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| Moving |
[Mar. 24th, 2009|12:32 pm] |
So, we are moving back into Matt and Liza's. However, this time Matt and Liza's apartment will be ours. -Evil laughter- But, no, seriously, it will be. They're moving in with another couple, at another apartment that my parents are renting out. So... Yay!
It solves a lot of problems. Like transportation, gas money, and the rent is cheaper. I'm kind of hoping I find another job, though. I am really starting to dislike mine, and want to work some place else. I just.. I really can't stand my job.
On the relationship front, I am beginning to realize that I have to talk, or else knowing what brothers me does not help. And, well.. lets face it.. He can't know if I don't tell him. However, its not that I expect him to change it, though.. I DO expect that it would happen less, or that it wouldn't happen in front of me. Ya know?
Meh, I have never really come to face with this sort of thing before, not in a relationship that I really want to last.
On that note, I have been thinking about Brittni and Jen lately. I wonder how their relationship is going. I wonder how they are getting along, and what the college life is throwing at them. In truth, I find myself wondering about a lot of my so called 'exes' ... But, not to the point that I would break my unspoken vow of silence. Just curiousity, ya know?
Anway, I'm just ... sort of dissappointed with things, and their current state. But, I don't think enough when I'm in those moments that bother me. I just let my emotions take over the scene. That helps, none.
Of course. -Sighs.-
Over and Out. |
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| The Morning Glory |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|10:34 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | ben, sick | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | All Hail The Heartbreaker | ] |
Many mornings, in our house, there is some drama about getting up. This morning, of course, there was the same. However, it seems to have ended well. At least, for the moment. Dad didn't seem pleased, but this can be expected as he is Ben's employer.
Ben woke up with a headache this morning, and asked for medication. Well, instead of taking the pills I brought him, he decided to throw up. Okay, maybe he didn't decide to throw up, but you get the point. From that moment on, I knew the pills weren't going to get taken, but I tried to push them because they would help. He got a little "sassy", but quickly was reduced to the whimpering, sad faced man that can be expected. He did try to go to work. He did. We climbed into the car, and actually left. We made it as far as Pine Stake road before he began throwing up in my car... and all over himself. Granted, he only threw up in the seat, so I was very much thankful, but I couldn't stop myself from gagging right along with him. He says, "Take me home".
Once we're home, I get him in a tub of warm water and make him just sit there. He needs, if nothing else, to get the vomit off his legs. He gets tired of the tub, though. So, out he comes. He goes and lays down... I think everything is done, over and I get my usual little nap. Of course not. As if to distract himself from being sick, he starts doing things that prevents me from sleeping. The man is.. -laughs, rolling eyes.-... certainly a man. He finally goes to sleep, though. Me, my sleep was not to great... but, I'll be alright. As I was leaving, I tried to tell him to stay in bed longer than normal, and to rest. He didn't need to be up playing video games, or the like. He just agreed with a nod and moan. Kissing his cheek, I left him with Layla for a nurse.
Mmn... he was cute, though. He couldn't resist saying how much he hates this state, and its freaky weather. Spring like one day, and cold all over again the next. Its adorable.
Anyway.. I have to leave.. Later. |
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| Another Overview |
[Mar. 4th, 2009|10:02 am] |
So, my birthday has come and gone. It was enjoyed. Though, how sad is it that my Twenty-first birthday was spent with my parents? -Raises a brow- I don't know. I mean, I don't care but it seems to me that I should have been in the company of an orgy of friends who all wagered me into drinking like an Irish man. Not my parents. Though, I did still drink... not nearly like an Irish man.
It was good, all the same. Jerk was there, and things went better than I had planned.
With my birthday came another oppurtunity. I applied out at Child Help and, wowzers, I have an interview for Friday. Go me. Meh, I'm hoping I get the job as my current superviser is... well... not meeting par with my standards. Sorry to say this, but.. I think its important to have a good relationship with your superviser...
Ben is rather happy. Randy H. was fired last week. No more trying to live up to Randy, and my father's, standards... all at once, which both seem to differ most of the time.
We're supposed to be moving out of "our" house in April, if Matthew gets a job. But, I don't know.. I really have a hard time believing its going to happen.
I checked out a great deals worth of "self help" books that other day. Though, its funny. I honestly have to agree with one of those Tommy Lee Jones movies, how can YOU help YOURSELF if YOU are the one with the problem? Make sense to you? Meh... I think its an interesting take on the situation. Ben saw one of the many and was dissatisified that I'm reaching to someone who probably knows less than he does... But, as I told him, he can't be my only source of information through out the entirety of life. So...XP ... I'm reading it anyway!
Merf... I think that's about it. Yep. That's it. |
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